TEENAGERS FROM OUTER SPACE (1959)

Quoting the opening lyrics from the movie theme, Love Story, by Andy Williams, "Where do I begin?" This independent production, infamously known to MST3000 fans, will have your shoulders going up and down from laughter. At the same time, those tears of laughter will turn to pity for the incompetent, unknown cast, which forces me to use their character name in this review. Pinning down who is the funnier in this film depends on how often it is viewed. As if the cast did not want to be remembered or assaulted, almost everyone has an alias in the long opening cast list that would rival the film, Spartacus. Its budget would barely allow you to buy a pre-owned sedan today. The money not spent was pretty obviously used on props. Apparently, with some money to burn, Warner Brothers distributed this one, doing a complete one-eighty from their legendary television westerns of the same period. My comments address the edited version of this oddity, clocking in at eighty-five minutes. The full-length version, for no other reason than being forty-four minutes longer, is best left on the editing floor.

All apologies to any junior high drama departments, but that best describes the acting level of this Tom Graeff Production (Graeff below, left, as Derek). The opening scene sets the stage for what the viewer is about to experience. Two men in an observatory, the older astronomer of the two with a questionably authentic van dike, recites dialogue on his “twenty-third take” after constantly reassuring the director, “I can do that better if you want.” All blame for this film rests on Graeff's shoulders as the director, the producer, the screenwriter, the cinematographer, and the editor. And...he wrote the music, which at one point, reminds one of the Leave It To Beaver sitcom. And...he plays the reporter in this debacle.

Three of the four twenty-something teenagers from space are obviously from the angry red planet, Mars. A disgruntled group if ever there was one. How they traveled so far without killing each other might make a pretty good prequel. Speaking without contractions makes the dialogue feel slightly Shakespearean with a pinch of Amish. One thing is for sure, it accentuates poor acting. Memories of those Italian sword and sandal dubbed movies may come flooding back. The travelers have mythological-type names of Thor, Moreal, Saul and, how he got accepted into the group I do not know, Derek, the sensitive member of the expedition who has sanctity for life. 

Thor is one unhappy space teen. No point trying to reason with hate. Out of this hatred for all things unknown, he kills a dog with his “Dollar Tree” plastic ray gun, turning it into a skeleton. This special effect is a good bit of editing and is pretty effective whenever it occurs. Which is often. Derek reads the dog tag and tells the crew there really is intelligent life on this planet. More than on their own. Angrily, Thor growls out, “Of what concern are foreign beings?!” Derek, with all the thespian power he can muster, lethargically replies, “Of none to you, Thor.” The deliberate-speaking Derek manages to escape with the dog tag.

These “adultified” teenage hoodlums have come to release giant

lobsters...er...Gargons to eliminate all Earthlings. Thor is left on Earth to track down Derek and probably “skeletonize” their one dissenter. Thor’s first experience in an automobile and verbal lesson on how to drive is pretty funny as he keeps repeating angrily, “What’s that for!” Derek wanders in a stupor to a nearby town searching for the dog’s owner. The address on the tag is the home of Gramps and his granddaughter, Betty. She has the voice capacity of a newborn sparrow and the acting skill of the average seven-year-old. Gramps is a bloated congenial dolt, clueless and unassuming as they come. Gramps figures the stranger wearing white “tennies” and a one-piece jumpsuit with pant legs tucked into his white socks is part of the military. They happen to have a rental room and assume Derek is interested. In reality, he has no idea what he is doing nor does he know the concept of “rental.” To say nothing about Earth's currency.

Before long, the sidewalks are littered with skeletons. The police, after a fashion, surmise there might be something afoot here. Thor is perpetually growling out commands to everyone, always threatening to “skeletonize” them if they disobey. The police descend on Thor and he gets wounded by two Earth bullets. He escapes and hides in the back of Betty’s car. When she and Derek return, Thor demands they get him to ‘...a man of surgery to remove the metal pellets from my flesh. One sudden move and I will slay you both!’ Thou be angry! They take him to a manikin-like medical doctor to remove the bullets. He is amusingly amateur. Mister tough teen refuses any anesthesia and gets a surprise when he passes out during the removal of the bullets. Both Derek and Betty escape. There is a reveal about Derek’s lineage with little bearing on the movie nor does the audience care at this point. 

The plainclothes policemen, still with their plastic revolvers drawn, use them as pointers at the bloodstains on the sidewalk. We never see the police again. After the doctor’s nurse unknowingly gives aid to Thor, he gets behind the wheel of his non-levitating Earth vehicle. Once again in pursuit of Derek, he loses control of the sedan and his first gravity lesson finds himself down a mountainside. Off-screen, he is subsequently arrested. The slow-witted Derek cons everyone, interrupting the transfer of Thor at the police station, and they both head back to their special effect “guide ship” logo. Derek makes the ultimate sacrificial decision to save Earth from the Gargons. And Thor.

Note: It appears the budget did not allow the purchase of any new vehicles judging by numerous ten-year-old sedans still chugging around. A 1956 Chevy is frequently used. As an aside, Finland had a long wait for the film's television release: 2005!